10.24.81 - i cannot believe it's been 30 years gone by.

It was 30 years ago on this date that my life as "normal" (whatever that may mean) ended.

i remember the day well. it was a Saturday. the weather was nice. i was ten years old.

i was up early and playing with my best friend John at his apartment. (he and i lived in the same apartment building, different sides, and floors. i cannot remember if i spent the night at his place (happened frequently), but i was there in the morning.

just he and i were home (also happened frequently, and not that unusual in 1981 when both single mothers had jobs) and the phone rang. i answered it. it was my Grandmother asking me to go check on mom because she wasnt answering the phone.

i went home and checked on mom. she was sleeping. i called Grandma from my apt and told her that mom was sleeping. Grandma told me to go back to Johns to play, and thats what i did.

after playing at Johns for a while, his mom and Carol (Mom and Johns Moms friend) came home and told John and i that we were going to Carols house for a while.
when we left the apt building, there was a lot "going on" downstairs, and John and i were shuffled into Carols car and we went to her house to play.

later that night i was brought to my Grandmothers house, not home. it was dark out, but i cannot tell you what time it was. i was lead into my Grandparents room and sat on Grandmas bed.

it was there that Grandma told me that my mother had died.

it was only years later that it dawned on me that she must have already died when i went to go and check on her as Grandma asked me to. How was i to know? i was 10 years old. i try not to dwell on it too much.

i cannot believe its been 30 years since that day. i am 40 years old now, and it's been 30 years gone by. id like to be able to say that memories don't fade. sure that's somewhat true, but i was only a child.

sometimes i wonder how much longer i've got. i dont fear dying. i did when i was young, but that was a long time ago. these last 30 years have just had me seen too many bad things, the innocence of childhood died that day along with my mother.

i wish i would have had more time with her. she was only 32 years old.